1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, and then used against you.
9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
10. Remember that half the people you know are below average.
11. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
12. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
13. Atheism is a non-profit organization.
14. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
15. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 
16. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 
17. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
18. Quantum mechanics- the dreams stuff is made of.
19. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism. 
20. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
21. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
22. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand….
23. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
24. And your cry baby whiney-ass opinion would be…?
25. Do I look like a people person?
26. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.
27. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it left.
28. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
29. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
30. You! Off my planet!
31. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
32. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
33. Did aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
34. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
35. Allow me to introduce my selves.
36. Whatever kind of look you're going for, you missed.
37. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
38. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
39. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
40. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
41. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
42. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
43. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
44. Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?
45. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
46. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
47. Chaos, panic and disorder- my work here is done.
48. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
49. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
50. No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough.
51. What you don't do is always more important that what you do do.
52. The course of progress: Most things get steadily worse.
53. Everything put together sooner or later falls apart.
54. You always find something in the last place you look.
55. You can't fall off the floor.
56. Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough.
57. It's not an optical illusion, It just looks like one.
58. You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
59. Test tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
60. If God intended for men to smoke, He would have set them on fire.
61. Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route.
62. Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
63. Nice guys don't finish nice.
64. It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
65. It's better to have a horrible ending than to have a horror without end.
66. Never eat more that you can lift.
67. Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.
68. It was such a lovely day I thought it was a pity to get up.
69. I may have my faults, but being wrong isn't one of them.
70. If today was a fish I'd throw it back in.
71. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
72. I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.
73. I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
74. The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
75. Stop crime at its source! Support Planned Parenthood.
76. The 100% American is 99% idiot.
77. If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.
78. There's no point in being grownup if you can't be childish sometimes.
79. You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
80. The whole purpose of your life is to serve as a warning to others.
81. A gleekzorp without a ternpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).
82. Laugh at your problems, everyone else does.
83. If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
84. Don't abandon your hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
85. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
86. I'm prepared for all emergencies. But I'm totally unprepared for everyday life.
87. A bird in the hand is safer than the one overhead.
88. The new baby is like royalty; he's the prince of wails.
89. He heard she was stuck up and asked how much they got.
90. Ill-bred children are always displaying their pest manners.
91. The pants were very sad, they were depressed.
92. If a woman changed her sex, what would her religion be? She would be a he-then.
93. When asked if he had missed school lately, the boy said "Not a bit."
94. The former ruler of Russia and his wife were called Tsar and Tsarina, so clearly their children were Tsardines.
95. Students may like nitrates; they're cheaper than day rates.
96. New with a K in the front is a Canoe.
97. He thought the formula for water was H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O, H-to-O.
98. Little rivers that run into the Nile are called Juveniles.
99. Two peanuts were walking down the road when one of them was a-salted.
100. It's bad luck to be superstitious.
101. Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
102. Support bacteria, it's the only culture some people have.
103. Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.
104. When does summertime come to Minnesota you ask? Well, last year I think it was a Tuesday. 
105. I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me.
106. I believe in getting in hot water, it keeps you clean.
107. If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give me a call. 
108. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you wouldn't have been notified. 
109. According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
110. Get forgiveness now- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
111. Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of intrest.
112. Caution: Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
113. Schizophrenia beats being alone.
114. Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
115. Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
116. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer. 
117. I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
118. The more things change, the more things stay insane.
119. They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid.
120. If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
121. Do what comes naturally right now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
122. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
123. Honk if you like peace and quiet.
124. Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off.
125. Quick! Act as if nothing has happened!
126. Paul Revere was a tattle-tail.
127. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
128. Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.
129. Keep grandma off the streets. Legalize bingo.
130. As long as there are tests there will be prayer in school.
131. Honk if you love obscene gestures.
132. Do not adjust your mind. There is a fault in reality.
133. Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
134. All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
135. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
136. Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that they AREN'T after you.
137. Never punch a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
138. Your lucky number is 32345543423225. Watch for it everywhere.
139. They told me I was gullible, and I believed them.
140. When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
141. Don't tell me any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
142. Look out! Behind you!
143. Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is the best defense.
144. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
145. Laughter is the closest difference between two people.
146. If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
147. Never put off 'til tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
148. Your lucky number has been disconnected.
149. Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
150. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
151. Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
152. Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
153. Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
154. I haven't lost my mind- it's backed up on tape somewhere.
155. The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
156. There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
157. Today is an excellent day to have a rotten day.
158. Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
159. You know it's a bad day when the sun comes up in the west, you jump out of bed and miss the floor, the bird singing outside your window is a buzzard, you put both contact lenses in the same eye, your pet rock snaps at you, the blind date turns out to be your ex- wife, your income tax refund check bounces, you put your bra on backwards and it fits better, and suicide prevention puts you on hold.
160. Nothing is as easy as it looks.
161. Everything takes longer than you think.
162. It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
163. Mother Nature is a bitch.
164. Smile… tomorrow will be worse.
165. When things just can't get any worse, they will.
166. When appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
167. No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
168. Always keep a record of data. It indicates you've been working.
169. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
170. Experiments must be reproducible- they should all fail in the same way. 
171. I do not believe in miracles. I rely on them.
172. Any given program, when running, is obsolete. 
173. Any given program costs more and takes longer.
174. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
175. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
176. Profanity is the language programmers know best.
177. I wouldn't know how to act if I wasn't in trouble.
178. If you're gonna' panic, panic constructively.
179. A kibble is one thousand nibbles.
180. Having a good time can be deadly.
181. Reality is only fantasy gone stale.
182. Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there. 
183. Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
184. I know my biology. It's yours I don't know.
185. Life isn't weird, it's the people in it.
186. Every happy moment in my life came from lying.
187. If you can't be weird, why be?
188. It isn't homework unless it is due tomorrow.
189. Gravity always gets me down. 
190. I've given up on trying to escape from reality, It always finds me anyway.
191. I'm serious, it was a joke.
192. Hairy Kiwi: Death by fruit.
193. If we are going to have fun, we've got to be serious about it.
194. I'm not a psychiatrist. I'm just an expert at being confused. 
195. I cleaned up my act once, but I've decided it was more fun when it was dirty.
196. This was only a test. If this had been a real emergency you'd be dead.
197. For him to get an idea it would be a surgical process.
198. I'm not crazy I'm just a sane person trapped in the body of a lunatic. 
199. Being good at being stupid doesn't count.
200. Some have morals, some don't, and most simply ignore them.
201. You can't be late until you show up.
202. It doesn't matter what temperature a room is because it's always room temperature.
203. I just love nonverbal communication!
204. If we don't know it already, chances are we aren't interested in learning it.
205. They keep saying the right person will come along. I think a truck hit mine.
206. Get out of my reality!
207. If it's not nailed down its fair game.
208. It's beautiful the way it is, why spoil it by making it legal?
209. Its not when you get up, it's when you get down.
210. I must have a prodigious quantity of mind, it sometimes takes me as much as a week to make it up.
211. I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
212. Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it.
213. A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
214. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for I am the meanest son of a bitch in the valley.
215. Just take a cold shower and sleep it off.
216. In theory everything works.
217. Life is recursive.
218. The life at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of the oncoming train.
219. Plagiarism is copying from one source. Research is copying from two or more.
220. Repetition is always better the second time.
221. Clever is getting out alive.
222. Life's a beach, then you drown.
223. Don't worry about life. You're not going to survive it anyway.
224. Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
225. People who think they know what they're doing are especially annoying to those of us who do.
226. Have a nice day… somewhere else.
227. Was today really necessary?
228. Life without bears would be unbearable.
229. Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.
230. I've no time to prepare a profound message.
231. Life is too important to be taken seriously.
232. You're twisted, depraved, and rotten to the core… I like that in a person.
233. You've been a naughty boy. Go to my room.